Fire cadets racing for the cure!

I was up before the sun today, yes that is strange I must admit. But my brother invited me to join up with the San Antonio Fire Department for the Komen race.  Doug and I headed to the Alamodome and I got some great pictures of the antique fire truck and of my brother starting the race and finishing the race.  As he crossed the finish line I couldn’t help but get overwhelmed with pride, love, and honor.  I felt he pushed the envelope to run that 5k to will cancer away from me, from everyone.  I remember at Christmas when I was in treatment and we got together with my dad’s family, all the cousins, I had stepped outside, bald as an eagle, and lost all the strength that holds your knees in place.  He was right there, out of nowhere, making sure I was okay.  Today, I felt like that all over again….

I went to the race to take pictures of my brother, and really with nothing else in mind.  I guess I had forgotten a lot of the stuff that happens there, like walking into the survivors’ tent through a two line train of young cheerleaders yelling for each survivor as we pass through.  I forgot about all the sponsors that are there handing out free food, water, scarves, and so much more. And apparently I had forgotten where we walked to and from last time.  I was in treatment when I went the first time, and Doug and I were talking about the route we had taken then. I couldn’t remember anything other than getting a carnation at the finish line, perhaps that’s why they handed them out!

After the race to find a cure already, we went and had breakfast at Crackle Barrel.  Our waitress, as chance would have it, lives up the street from us.  She is about a year older than my daughter, and of course we used to see her more when the kids were growing up.  I knew her baby brother had leukemia and her mom had battle breast cancer.  When she came up to our table she told Doug how much she liked his shirt, I think they said Inspire. Then she saw my survivor shirt and gave me a hug like my own daughter would. I asked about her family and she said her mom was battling breast cancer for the fourth time, this time in her liver…..

And then the day just fell into place. All the pink, all the cute t-shirt sayings, all the cancer sucks, all the everything – we come together as a group because we are helpless to do anything but come together. Cancer can strike, will strike, whether you’re skinny, fat, old, young, healthy, sick,…Sure it’s about raising money, but surely it’s about so much more….

Wow. March 5. Today is the anniversary of my cousin Yvette’s death and the anniversary of our grandfather’s death. My grandfather died in 1957 from lung cancer. Yvette died in 2009 from adrenal cancer.  They have both been on my mind all day. This evening ideas collided and probably much from a little poking by my beloved cousin, I started to created greeting cards – for breast cancer patients. My sister had been after me for a long, long, long time to make cards out of my pictures.  Her 29^th again birthday was in January and I surprised her with my very first prototype of a thank you card.  I made her cry, doesn’t take much for us anymore.  I even named my “line,” Pink Chair Cards & Photography by Gina Marie.  The Pink Chair comes from a picture I took on my nieces farm of a dinning room chair, painted pink without it’s legs, and hug from a chain to make a swing.  That day I spent with her I remembered her beautiful mother that had just passed from breast cancer….

So last week I sat down and created 3 more designs, an Alamo one, a birthday one, and a sunflower note card.  They arrived in the mail today and I was tickled at how cute they were.  When I got home today, I decided to try my hand at a full size folded card since I got a coupon in my email.  I scrolled through my pictures and found one of the traveling pants, that young stage four breast cancer ladies had signed from around the country.  I had the privilege of watching a 28 year old sign them here in San Antonio.  Right in the middle of the picture was a pink ribbon and the word HOPE. That was it, I was on a role and 3 breast cancer card designs later I took a break and checked my facebook.

My nephew, Yvette’s son had asked for memories about his mom so I filled in my high school fun memories. If my light wasn’t on in my room, the light bulb above my head would surely have been visible!  She’s poking me again - Facebook, I thought. I’ll create a facebook page to promote the cards – yes cart and horse and all that stuff – but I was excited.  I created the page and had to, just had to enter an address.  Seeing that this is a work from home thing, I wasn’t going to splash my address on facebook, so I used San Antonio as my street address, and San Antonio, Texas as the city and state.  I had to enter a phone number as well.  I played around with the page adding the picture of the pink chair and then hit edit on the information tab.  I was able to delete my phone number, yeah, and then a red bar comes across the screen over the map of my “address.” The message says it couldn’t pinpoint my address on the map.  

The map point, the little red bubble that shows where you are, is pointing almost exactly to the corner of Guadalupe and Laredo streets. These streets are not in my zip code, I’ve never mentioned them on facebook, but at that very corner is the home where my grandfather lived until 1957.  I almost fell out of my chair… my pink chair.  

Breast cancer rises in young women, but don't worry they said...

So a news report came out that breast cancer, metastatic breast cancer occurrence among women 25-39 has risen in the last few years. The report continues “published today in the journal of the american medical association, researchers found the increase in women 25 to 39 years of age. and it's alarming because we don't know exactly why this is happening. it could be rising obesity rates, early menstrual periods, even environmental factors that we don't have pinned down”  The report ends with  “for most women, you should start getting mammograms around the age of 50. and in the meantime, you can keep up with your self-examinations, watch your weight, stop smoking, and of course, if you find anything that strays from the norm, that's when you check in with your doctor.” * Yes, this was a real news report, February 27, 2013.

So like the good patients we are, we hang on doctors’ words, and if you hear a “you’re ok, I don’t think we need any more tests” we usually smile, shake the doctor’s hand, and sigh a huge sigh of relief knowing the bullet just passed us by.  We generally accept that it’s all good, and are more than glad too. Well my friends, not this time. I feel personally responsible to let everyone know that my tumor sat on my chest wall, buried deep under tissue and it was only by the grace the God that the tissue was irritated and much like the pea under the mattress I was able to feel something.  I never felt my tumor, it was impossible.

I had received, when I just turned 40, my first order to get a mammogram. I detested the idea of the process, so uncomfortable and exposing. I ignored the order that lay on the seat of my car, then made its way into the glove box, then into the trash. At 41 the tissue rose and my story started to write itself.  I was uncomfortable and exposed much of the next year, over and over.  I asked my surgeon how long he thought the cancer had been growing. He said, at least a year. Had I gotten the mammogram at 40, they probably would have seen something, ordered tests, etc. and I just might have not needed the chemotherapy or the radiation. But on the other hand, if that tissue hadn’t expanded to form a false lump,  I might not have gone for that mammogram at 41, or 42, or 43. And well since doctors are saying not to go until you are 50, and I like to shake the hand and “know” nothing is wrong, I might not have gone until I was 50.

Let’s get practical, I might not have made it until 50. In one year my triple negative infiltrating ductual carcinoma grew 5 cm at least. In ten years????…..

Please know there is no recipe to getting breast cancer. Skinny people get it. Smokers get it. Non smokers get it. Obese people get it. Polluted areas have people that get it, clean air people get it. If it were this simple, we’d have a cure. I’ve always said that cancer does not discriminate. It sucks for everyone that gets it. But you can be proactive in your own heath care. You can insist that someone listen. Find a doctor you trust and one that listens to you, there are plenty of good ones out there. Be a partner in your own health. And when the bullet comes right at you, you can lift your wrists with wonderwoman’s bracelets and deflect them one by one.  Knowledge is power, empower yourself!

* http://www.nbcnews.com/video/nightly-news/50964465#50911428

Let the mountains move, and she will wake...

Today I am inspired by faith, hope, and love. I witnessed all of these tonight in a family at the most trying of times, in an impossible situation even, yet their words, their graceful movements, showed Christ’s light as a beacon in the dark.  Today it seemed my retreat continued, as if I had never left the beautiful property nestled in the hill country of south Texas and all while the water fell from the sky and the earth drank its living water.  Inside the hospital walls it’s easy to forget if it’s day or night, sunshine or storming, and as I entered the all too familiar hospital nothing was as I remembered it fourteen years ago. 

I quickly got lost in the tiled floor and ceiling as she led me to the floor her mom is on.  I felt so disoriented in a place I once visited everyday for months.  I was humbled to visit with her, her dad, her sister, and her beautiful mom, a true sleeping beauty.  I don’t know how long it was that we visited in the room, well, it was until shift change. I said my goodbye for tonight to the most gentle, soft spoken sleeping beauty, and joined the family in the cafeteria while the nurses attended her. 

I shared my father’s story with them, his months in ICU there, his awakening and disorientation afterward.  I told them how when he did wake after numerous plays of “Back Draft” in the vcr, he didn’t quite know who we were, or who he was even, well he couldn’t remember that he was married anyway. He thought my sister was a star on a soap opera and that I was the best nurse he’d ever had caring for him.  I shared with them the little sleep, the little food, and no time to do anything else those first few weeks, and of course about the time I passed out, in the ICU room, and really there isn’t much room for that!  We shared a lot of information, they so kindly told me how their mother is progressing, and we talked about faith, the only kind of faith, the blind kind.  

I was telling them about little Paige who will pray over the sick, when all of a sudden a stranger walked up in need. We helped her, and she wanted to thank us, so we said, just pray for Valerie please.  She then told us how she brought her dad, Hank, in two days before with his sugar over 600 and the last time it happened he slipped into a coma. I asked her if the doctors told her negative things about his recovery and she quickly said, yes they did. She then tells us, but then one day, he just woke up. Sometimes God speaks through others and tells you just want you need to hear. 

In faith, in hope, and in love, I had the privilege of watching this family tonight. I received my own message through them tonight, I remembered that nothing is hopeless, even when we feel despair and can’t take another step. We walk. We walk in faith, hope, and love just as this family is doing every moment of each day until Valerie just wakes up. And if faith, hope and love are the precursors for moving mountains, then let those mountains move, and she will wake.

Please add Valerie to your daily prayers, for her speedy recovery to awake.

Traveling through jury duty

So I know that God shops in the produce area, I've bumped in to Him plenty there; the man shopping for his stage four breast cancer wife, Maria who just felt that she knew she had cancer, and of course my strawberries and soy milk little lady. But He goes to jury duty too? Yes I traveled to jury duty today. I spent the morning in a chair listening to names being called and working on a project for my retreat in December.  When the announcement came for lunch break I eagerly jumped up, well not literally my foot is causing me so much pain…., but figuratively I jumped up and hobbled to the cafeteria. 

A lady was staring at the lunch menu and I was staring at the huge crowd already in line.  I asked her if she was staying there for lunch or using some of the two hours we were given to go down a block or so to restaurants.  After a little chat, we headed out the doors. She walked slow for me, adding that she knew the pain of plantar fasciitis all to well. We landed in a over-packed place and found a tiny table for two, not good for space but great for conversation.  In talking to each other we found out we both are native San Antonians, two years apart. We both have been divorced and have someone wonderful in our lives now, and they both work at Lackland AFB! Her married name is Gomez, I worked for a company with that name, my foot was killing me, she works for a podiatrist and gave me great tips for healing.  We are both close to our moms, have a daughter about the same age, oh and did I mention we both had breast cancer? Oh and we both had the same surgeon? 

She battled breast cancer just as she turned 40, when she was pregnant.  I couldn't even find words to speak when she said that. She had surgery while pregnant, and remembers and felt quite a bit of it as they didn't sedate her as heavily as they did me.  After she had her son, she continued her treatment and had radiation and a new born at the same time.  I really felt small for thinking how radiation made me tired, and my skin burned, and my ribs ache, I wasn't trying to hold a newborn….wow. There’s that perspective yet again.  She told me how blessed she feels to have had her healthy son despite all that she was going through, and still feels blessed today. We finished lunch and hobbled, very slowly, back to the dungeon jury room.  We sat together and continued our conversation.  She reached in her bag, handed me a book, and said I want you to have this.  The title of the book is “I’m Not Finished, A Journey of Inspiration and Courage down the Road of Cancer.”

As we settled in for the long afternoon, and panels were being called regularly, around three my name was called for a panel.  I limped to the hallway, stood for almost an hour, and then was told they only needed the first 26 people, I was happy to be #54!  Back the jury dungeon we went and I dragged the foot back to where we were sitting. She was gone.  I spent that last hour alone, reading through the book and later came across a quote the author referenced, “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware,” Martin Buber. I was the traveler today.

When they started to release us they called us each by name, and then they called hers, she never responded. Just like that, poof, gone. I had been postponed for jury duty, I wasn’t supposed to be there today but couldn't help but think how God calls us each by name and places us right where we need to be, when we need to be there. This was my destination today, and yes, God goes to jury duty too. 

God's Country...Lost Maples State Park, I look this last Friday, inspiration is all around me.

The River of Truth

Amazing when we are still and quiet we can hear so much more than when we are loud, than when things are loud around us.  Tonight I am reflecting on the anniversary of finding the most surprising thing in my life, on October 5, 2010.  I realized I have a mammogram this month October 17, and I wanted to see where I was in my journey in 2010.  I have my journal printed out and I flipped back to beginning.  I saw handwriting on the back of the first page and I can’t believe it is just what I need to hear right now!  I have to admit that a diagnostic exam is really making my stomach turn. I know the mammogram is going to be painful in my radiated area.  I know the radiologist is going to want an ultrasound. The whole process is just unsettling and I understand why so many people opt for a double mastectomy to avoid this annual ritual.  I had to do what felt right for me at the time and a lumpectomy was my choice, so annual rituals are essential now.  Anyway, I really feel unnerved, disconnected even from this whole thing. Perhaps now that the doctors’ appointments have thankfully slowed to once every six months the nerves will come with them.  Here’s what I wrote on the back of my journal.  I think it was while I was on retreat in October 2011.  Wow, so many references to October in my life…..

The river flows gently, calling me at every turn, “Come float with me, “ it says. Through the trees I hear the voice of the river, but where am I? Which way do I run to find the river? I rush through the branches as they slap at my arms, and the thicket underfoot cuts in to my bare feet.  Confused and dazed I cannot find my way. “Come float with me, I am here,” the voice calls out again. I quickly run the other way looking for a path, searching for the water.  I run for miles exhausted, parched, and bruised from journey, “I’m here, “ the voice calls out so strongly. My desire to find my way engulfs my very being. I climb a tree to rise above the canopy of my own confusion. I see the river runs in every direction all around me. I was never far, just needed one more step and then I hear, “I am with you always,” and I joined the river of the truth.

Prayers tonight for my Rachel recovering from surgery and my friend’s mom who will have surgery Tuesday. May Jesus’ lay His healing hands on them, and give them the rest they need to recover and do His will. 

I can see clearly now

I have a confession to make today.  I have been at this computer for the last hour laughing hysterically so much so that my cheeks hurt from smiling, all by myself in my little computer room with my real virtual friends.  Many people have asked how I got though this or that, and if you know me well, you know God is my first answer. He is my hope and my salvation, no question no doubt.  My family ranks right under there, my daughter, my immediate family, my Doug, my whole extended family, his family, my ex’s family, my friends that are family, etc.  Of course, the doctors that God placed in my life at different times and the friendships that grew from them too, like Dr. Joe and Barbara.

Just some of my family

Donna's memorial day celebration

However, what I haven’t mentioned a lot of, are the friends that I have met because I got the big bad "C" word.  There are so many people in my life at this very moment that I can’t believe I spent thorty something years without.  And yes I meant thorty, it lies somewhere between the thirties and forties in my imagination.  But I met Donna K. because her friend Karen befriended me at my second chemo infusion. Then Donna and I met at Karen’s funeral just a few weeks later.  Through Donna I met Cyndie G.  and we have melted together as “hell-n-backers” as Donna calls it.  They suffered great losses in their lives, but it’s not sorrow that glues us together, it’s hope twisted around love and friendship.  

If I hadn't gotten “c” I also wouldn’t have met the wackiest, funniest, interfaith, hope filled group of women on line. This group of women is remarkable. Each of them has or is battling the “c” word, each has a life all their own with everyday problems too.  Yet each of them is just like me, swimming against the current sometimes, and enjoying the ride back down.  The fun part is that we get to say “weeeeee” together as we journey.  We laugh out loud at our computer screens, a lot, no even more than that.  We have private jokes that perhaps wouldn't even be funny outside our internet lives.  And we share intimate details of our c battles, that yes, we understand together.  Funny enough I have never spoken with any of them only typed to them.  I know their children’s name, when chemo head allows, I know where they work and what they like to do when they aren't working or aren’t at doctors appointments.  It’s been such a blessing meeting these women, as we encourage, pray, and laugh with each other, every day. 

women under the age of 30, stage IV breast cancer signed these pants

I have had the privilege of meeting so many different people along this way.  I have been given a chance to step back and let the goodness of people shine though, when I needed it most. I found myself somewhere along that way, and didn't even know I was lost. The world is greener, the sky bluer, I love more deeply, and pray more often and with so much more passion and praise.  I guess my confession today is that I am grateful for the gifts I have been given, even the gift of c.  You see, "C" really, all it stands for is clarity. 

if you let the waters lay still, you can see yourself so clearly