Amazing when we are still and quiet we can hear so much more than when we are loud, than when things are loud around us. Tonight I am reflecting on the anniversary of finding the most surprising thing in my life, on October 5, 2010. I realized I have a mammogram this month October 17, and I wanted to see where I was in my journey in 2010. I have my journal printed out and I flipped back to beginning. I saw handwriting on the back of the first page and I can’t believe it is just what I need to hear right now! I have to admit that a diagnostic exam is really making my stomach turn. I know the mammogram is going to be painful in my radiated area. I know the radiologist is going to want an ultrasound. The whole process is just unsettling and I understand why so many people opt for a double mastectomy to avoid this annual ritual. I had to do what felt right for me at the time and a lumpectomy was my choice, so annual rituals are essential now. Anyway, I really feel unnerved, disconnected even from this whole thing. Perhaps now that the doctors’ appointments have thankfully slowed to once every six months the nerves will come with them. Here’s what I wrote on the back of my journal. I think it was while I was on retreat in October 2011. Wow, so many references to October in my life…..
The river flows gently, calling me at every turn, “Come float with me, “ it says. Through the trees I hear the voice of the river, but where am I? Which way do I run to find the river? I rush through the branches as they slap at my arms, and the thicket underfoot cuts in to my bare feet. Confused and dazed I cannot find my way. “Come float with me, I am here,” the voice calls out again. I quickly run the other way looking for a path, searching for the water. I run for miles exhausted, parched, and bruised from journey, “I’m here, “ the voice calls out so strongly. My desire to find my way engulfs my very being. I climb a tree to rise above the canopy of my own confusion. I see the river runs in every direction all around me. I was never far, just needed one more step and then I hear, “I am with you always,” and I joined the river of the truth.
Prayers tonight for my Rachel recovering from surgery and my friend’s mom who will have surgery Tuesday. May Jesus’ lay His healing hands on them, and give them the rest they need to recover and do His will.